Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
