what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
