My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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