broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
you traded sex for a burrito?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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