we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Randomize
