She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
