i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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