I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
