I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
