Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
