Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
