I think my vagina is haunted
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
