i just sent this text using only my big toe
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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