I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
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