all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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