he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
