Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
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