thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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