wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
