9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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