I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
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