I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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