i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
