Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
