so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
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