We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
