I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
