I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
