I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
