nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
You left your phone here
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