Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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