i wish my penis had a tongue
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
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