The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
