dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You are a genius and a whore.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
