and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
