I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
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