I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
