my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
