don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
