I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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