she was so not down for the gang bang
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
