It's a beautiful day for a hangover
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
