stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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