I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
