I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
