don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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