I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
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