Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
