my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
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