Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
