Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
