Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
