Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
