remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
