dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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