Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
