I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
