Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
