What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
